英语四级考试作文精彩点评(3)

2003年9月考试四级作文题：The Day My Classmate Fell Ill (or Got Injured)
提纲：
1.简单叙述一下这位同学生病（或受伤）的情况
2.同学、老师和我是如何帮助他/她的
3.人与人之间的这种相互关爱给我的感受是……
例1． （2分段）
    One day, we are all in classroom. Wang fang said, "Oh!" We all see her and found that she was crying! Teacher turned to ask her what was wrong. She said, "I do got a fever, my head is very hot!" Feng Gang sent she to hospital, we all followed they. In the hospital, doctor Wang give a inject to her, she gradually calm and not hot as before. We all thanked the doctor.
东方教育点评：未能按照题目要求写，没有着重写"同学、老师和我是如何帮助他/她的" "人与人之间的这种相互关爱给我的感受是……"。条理不清，思路紊乱，大部分句子均有错误，有的甚至影响理解。
原文修改后：
    One day, when we were all in classroom., Wang fang Suddenly cried,, "Oh!" We all looked at her and found that she was groaning. Teacher turned to ask her what was wrong. She said, "I have got a fever, my head is very hot!"
    Immediately, our teacher sent her to hospital, and we all followed them. In the hospital, we asked doctor Wang to give an injection to her, and she gradually became calm and not as hot as before. We all thanked the doctor.
    The day has passed, but it is clearly in my mind. I think if we can do things like that in the incident, the society will be better, and the relationship between people will be better as well!

例2．（5分段）
    Last week, li ning and I studied in classroom. Suddenly, lining said to me that he had a headache .I asked he to  see doctor. he said it was not bad. After 5 miniuts, lining sai to  me  his headache very serious. So I helped him go to  hosptial.  
    Students and teacher heard lining went to  hosptial, all of them went to the hosptial. Some teacher asked lining dont worry, it will be good .Some students asked lining take care of himself. lining said that he was very moved. 本文来自中国科教评价网
    Thought this things, I think a lot .The world is beautiful, because the love filled in it .people can  help each other when  who are in trouble.     
东方教育点评：本文基本切题。语句衔接不自然，简单句使用得太多，有些表达不太准确，有明显的中文痕迹。要加强衔接词的运用，单复句的转换，句式的多样化，还有语言基本功的训练。
原文修改后：
    Last week, Li ning and I studied in classroom. Suddenly, lining told me that he had a headache. I asked him to see the doctor. he said it was not so serious. After 5 minutes, Lining told  me  that his headache became worse. So I helped him go to hospital.  
    When Students and teachers heard that Lining had gone to hospital, all of them went to the hospital. Some teachers asked Lining not to worry and to take care of himself. Lining said that he was very moved.
    Throught this, I think a lot.The world is beautiful because it was filled in love--people help each other in trouble.          
 
例3．（8分段）
    One day there is a student who was isolated for infectious disease. We and our teachers are concerting about his situation. But he must be isolated from us for relivesing measure.
    In this important period, we telephoned to him, we also told him that he had a good rest time. we suggested that he call up his friends who were not kept in touch because of burden study and read some books which he enjoys but have no time to read .At last we told him that he must get over this fell .
    I think we should love each other .when somebody needs help we should lend our one hand to him.
 
东方教育点评：本文基本切题，也有必要的细节描述。但有的地方表达不清楚。有比较多的语言错误。要注意连接词的使用和句式多样化，长短句可以间隔使用，使用长句时注意语法、力求表达清楚。　 （转载自科教范文网http://fw.nseac.com）
具体问题剖析：(1)全文时态不统一（举例略）。
（2）第二段语句衔接不自然，句式重复，且长句组织起来显得有点凌乱，语法错误相当多。在原文基础上修改如下："In this important period, we telephoned him, and told him to have a good rest.Besides, we advised him to call up his friends who were not kept in touch because of burdensome study ,on the other hand, to read some books which he enjoyed but had no time to read. At last we told him that he must overcome this ill."